An open letter to Jess Phillips, the camper van beef over

An open letter to Yardley’s new MP. It has to be open as we’ve not got a fixed address to sent it to.

 

Dear Jess,

Congratulations on the election. We were chuffed, never big John Hemming fans, and we had a good joke lined up for when you beat him. You’re a breath of fresh air. Much like the fresh air you say you intended to camp out under in protest at the cost of London accommodation.

But we’ve got a question to ask, about your methods. Nice van, but the plan is dodgy.

Were you planning to:

a) camp illegally? In the UK camping is controlled by several pieces of legislation, including the Public Health Act of 1936 and the Caravan Sites and Control of Development Act 1960. And well – it’s not going to be a restful night with all the undesirables that live locally. There’s that Cameron chap for one.

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101 Things Birmingham Gave The World. No. 75: Batman

I’m the goddamn Batman
Jim Lee: All Star Batman & Robin, the Boy Wonder no.1

Jim Lee: All Star Batman & Robin, the Boy Wonder no.1

Why claim Batman?

Birmingham isn’t short of its own, real, superheroes after all. The Statesman is a Bromsgrove bank clerk by day and at night prowls the city in mask and ever-so-slightly too tight T-shirt ready to thwart drunks and burglars. Malala Yousafzai is a symbol of peace and hope all over the world with a seeming immunity to bullets. And Birmingham’s Lunar Society were a team-up of some of the country’s greatest free thinkers, geniuses, and crusaders for equality.

So, why claim Batman?

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BRUMHOLE: 57 jokes we would have made about the Heinz – Kraft merger if we’d noticed it happening in April

It turns out that while we weren’t closely watching the big financial news earlier this year, Kraft — who own Cadbury, remember* — were sort of absorbed into the third largest food brand in the world: HP stealing bastards Heinz. And so now all of it is owned by a load of the 1% including Warren Buffet. Maybe. It’s all hellishly complicated and driven by profit.

We had such fun when we make jokes about Philadelphia cheese flavoured chocolates during the Kraft takeover that we’re really annoyed to have missed this opportunity to mash up Heinz’s huge variety of products with Cadbury’s in a whimsical way. So we’re going to do it anyway, here’s 57 jokes we should have made back in April:

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BRUMHOLE: Vote for the 7 balloons you’d like to see save Birmingham’s cultural infrastructure

We all love the minion thing, but what would be the best shape of a balloon to represent Birmingham and be filmed deflating in all of our cuts-threatened institutions?

Could a video of escaping hot air around Fort Dunlop save the Post and Mail? How about one of those balloons that goes weeeeeeee and rushes around. Maybe that’s what the library needs. Within office hours.

Library of Birmingham. 20th March 2012. Library of Birmingham opening date announcement. Picture shows The Leader of Birmingham City Council, Councillor Mike Whitby, who announced today that the Library will open to the public on Tuesday 3rd September 2013, as well as a twitter competition to nominate the first book top be placed on the shelves of the library. Cllr Whitby is pictured with his choice, Lord of the Flies by William Golding. Picture by Simon Hadley www.simonhadley.co.uk/ 07774 193699
Full of hot air? Could a deflating balloon of Mike Whitby star in the viral vid to save Birmingham.

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101 Things Birmingham Gave The World. No. 74: Eugenics

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I’m not a psychoanalyst, but in the case of Francis Galton I’ll have a look. Grandson of Erasmus Darwin (erstwhile Lunar Society member, poet, naturalist, and inventor of the PA system), and hence cousin of Charles who was 13 years his senior, he devoted most of his life to promoting the idea that genius was hereditary.

His other grandfather was Samuel ‘John; Galton, from Duddeston and also a Lunar Society member, who was a prominent Quaker and arms manufacturer who seems to have excelled in many things. Except ‘getting interesting nicknames’ and the pacifist bit of Quakerism.

Francis’s dad, known as Samuel Tertius Galton, wrote papers on economics and his older brother Darwin Galton became High Sheriff of Warwickshire. Can you feel the familial pressure to succeed yet?

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Dadsploitation

Big Daddy

It’s Father’s Day (or Fathers’ Day? I can never remember where the apostrophe goes) in a few weeks time, which means that the petrol station forecourts are dusting down the point of sale unit for that staple gift: the dadsploitation album.

What’s a dadsploitation album?

It’s a NOW album but from THEN, a compilation that makes no real sense except for the fact that it is MUSIC TO DRIVE TO. Because we all know that dads love cars and dads love driving but most of all dads love driving in cars listening to classic rock. And who can blame them? After all, few things are as exhilarating as blasting Thunder Road at full volume whilst stuck on the M6 somewhere near Stoke.

In a way Birmingham invented the dadsploitation album, by way of inventing the petrol station as a place for forgetful children to panic buy gifts and milk and sometimes petrol.

All of which is a clumsy way of saying it’s time for you to buy your old man a copy of 101 Things Gave The World — from Amazon or from B-Town stockists Library of Birmingham, Symphony Hall and the Coffin Works (they won an award last night, you should go visit them).

Most people liked it but just in case your dad gets upset by the inaccuracies (we call them “jokes”) or finds chapter 23 awful we’ll throw in a free dadspolitation album packed with 101 of his favourite Brummie driving tracks.

Rock on Daddy.

Image of Big Daddy allegedly CC Paul Townsend but I don’t think that will stand up in court

 

ROFLs cartoon club

You’ve got to laugh, or else you’ll cry. If you’ve seen the Internet then you’ll know that the UK’s political landscape now looks like Maggie.

maggie

The cartoon character, as well as the right-wing icon of hate.

More amusingly Birmingham looks like this.

papaBrum

Like Papa Smurf’s head, upside down. If you squint. A lot.

We’re betting the locals will be similar, perhaps with a touch of jaundice.

If you like your jokes live, come see our show at MAC, 21st May.

In Perry Barr you have two votes for Labour (possibly more)

Wes Mundell, our political editor, continues his #hyperlocal coverage of the 2015 General Election with this dispatch from Perry Barr…

Round the grounds 2015

No. 2 — the election view in Perry Barr

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PC predicts: Labour hold. And a close watch on the post.

Not turkeys voting for Christmas, but a possibility of stuffing.

If you like your jokes live, come see our show at MAC, 21st May.

Into the Blue

THUMBNAIL_IMAGEWith cover by 101 Things Birmingham Gave the World artist Mark Murphy, Peter Bourne’s new novel is an ambitious and very real book. We’re happy to share an excerpt.

Set against defining 1980s events like the Falklands War and the Hillsborough disaster and the ever-changing landscape of Birmingham, Into the Blue is the story of a family tree decayed by betrayal, revenge and suspicion. More info here, or buy on Amazon right now.

 

Carl’s a man of few words. And even fewer on the telephone. The Talking Clock has a wider range of conversation. Carter has never been able to digest his father-in-law’s slow, ponderous and thick Small Heath accent without diverting his brain elsewhere. If Carl was an animal, he’d be a city pigeon. If he was an image, he’d be a monotone visual of a 1980s roundabout. If he was a sport, he’d be crown green bowls. Carl informs Carter with loveless precision that his mother will call him back and let him know if Wednesday night’s suitable. Carl does his pools run on a Wednesday followed by two pints of piss in The Green Horn in Redditch. The one night of the week Carl leaves the comfort of suburban bliss, aside from the twice-monthly trip to the Chinese with Pat. An occasion where Carl doesn’t need the menu. He’s found what he likes and sticks to it. Carl’s a tedious creature of habit.

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