BRUMHOLE: 57 jokes we would have made about the Heinz – Kraft merger if we’d noticed it happening in April

It turns out that while we weren’t closely watching the big financial news earlier this year, Kraft — who own Cadbury, remember* — were sort of absorbed into the third largest food brand in the world: HP stealing bastards Heinz. And so now all of it is owned by a load of the 1% including Warren Buffet. Maybe. It’s all hellishly complicated and driven by profit.

We had such fun when we make jokes about Philadelphia cheese flavoured chocolates during the Kraft takeover that we’re really annoyed to have missed this opportunity to mash up Heinz’s huge variety of products with Cadbury’s in a whimsical way. So we’re going to do it anyway, here’s 57 jokes we should have made back in April:

  1. A joke about Worcestershire Sauce being be renamed West Midland’s Combined Authority sauce. As Lea and Perrins is a Heinz thing

  2. Something about how the “workers Quakers in their boots” at news of the takeover

  3. All you can eat or other (Warren) Buffet jokes

  4. A joke about brown sauce coming from Bournville Boulevard. This would have been the best gag we did, but we would have felt dirty doing it.

  5. Creme egg of mushroom soup. Yum, imagine.

  6. A bit on playing on the name of the investment vehicle being called Berkshire Hathaway and calling them ‘hunt’s or something

  7. Creme egg of tomato soup

  8. Something about beans and farting.

  9. Probably something about the historical lack of pubs in Bournville. Not sure what the angle would be, but hey we’d have had three months since last April.

…and so on. To be honest we’ve run out of steam here, probably because we’re not the sort of well-trained journalists who can churn out 57 of anything at will (unless you count churning out 101 satirical essays, laced with Marxist theory and dick jokes of course). No, what you need to get all of the way to 57 is the sort of journalist who works on a local newspaper. If we did have the skill to get all the way to the end we’d probably finish with a lovely pay-off, something like this:
57. A listicle entitled ‘57 things that Trinity Mirror journalists should have asked about the Kraft-Heinz merger but they haven’t because there’s a place where you can watch old films in a jacuzzi now and the gaffer says it’ll play better in the social graph. Wow’.

So being as they haven’t told you anything about it, you might want to look into what the unions have to say on the matter.

 

*Kraft were actually split in two way before this merger, the half that owns Cadbury’s being called Mondelez International (who the Post have covered being shitty to their workers) — see our style guide for advice on how to name the company. But it’s all still linked up so we’d have gone for this alright.

By Howard Wilkinson

Director of Satire, Paradise Circus.

Howard adds stability at the top, taking a strategic overview of operations whilst also stepping in from time to time in a caretaker author role.

Director of Satire, Paradise Circus.

Howard adds stability at the top, taking a strategic overview of operations whilst also stepping in from time to time in a caretaker author role.