We’ve obtained a leaked internal email showing early designs and concepts for the Birmingham Commonwealth Games mascot. No bull.
To: Andy.Street@WMCA.gov From: Andre.De.Jong@zaphiks.in Dressing up for the Games 8th March 2021 11:03
How’s the shop going? I am joking of course, I know that you no longer run the shop and it is closed in the Bull Ring. I blame Thatcher, as I believe you English say! Those blooming Tories eh?
All ready for the games? Of course I am kidding, I know that you are not. I have communication about the mascot concepts you asked for. I know you have an election coming up so will keep this brief.
I am sad to tell you that we cannot bring in our original mascot concept OnWe on budget. We liked the way his name referenced the city’s motto, Forward, as in ‘on we go’ but also our listlessness and lack of enthusiasm for our consolation prize Olympics. However, the graphics people just found this abstract feeling a tough one to work with in a way that will fit on the merchandise.
Luckily, De Jong Group has expanded into the Education sector and we now have taken over a number of your ‘needs improvement’ schools, we now run almost all of the Perry Beecheses. We set the kids at St Hollywood Monster’s (formerly Perry Beeches III: Mission to Moscow) a competition to come up with a mascot, then we took the ideas and fleshed them out for you.
You just pick the one you like, we give the kid a T-shirt and two tickets to the swimming in Sandwell and Mike is your uncle. Sorry about the quality of the pictures, kids are crap at this!
- B-Rum – is a mascot based on a bottle of knockoff Captain Morgan bought from Latifs.
Perry Barr & Flyover – a two mascot job, like at the London Olympics. These represent harmony, forward planning and teamwork. Perry Barr the bull loves lifting things and Flyover loves jumping, together they make a great team!
- Buzz is a bee with a bus. The idea is that he drives the athletes to the venues across the city from the student halls of residence in Edgbaston. He can sting his way out of the inevitable traffic jams – or traffic HONEYs!! We could re-brand them!
- Cap Ita – an anthropomorphised baseball cap that is always hiding. We could do like Where is Wally. Can you find him, children?
- Bully & Bore – two anti-mascots that try to disrupt the games because they want to win (hiding the hurdles, that sort of thing) – Andi Street is a cool tracksuit wearing youth that foils them and ensures fair play.
- Luna – is a moon with legs, and big trainers. She represents innovation and is ready to change the world
- MC EmGee and DJ Rover: grime act. Look familiar but their lyrics are all in mandarin now.
- Ham – is a slice of gammon with pineapple rings for eyes. His best friend is Halal who looks similar but is made of vegetables.
Bear with us, these sound rubbish but the costumes are already do-able off the shelf.
- Old Bill. Looks a bit like Shakespeare. He wishes the games were in London but is pleased that some of them are in Middleton and just pretending to be in Brum. Is also actually a deep cover narc. A bit handsy.
- Lucas. A giant light bulb. He’s full of bright ideas but they turn him off quickly if he tries to shine his light near the failed athletes village project.
- Loony – is a smiling balloon filled with what the competition entry said was “Andy Streets’ action on homelessness”. I know you won’t like this one, Andy, but it is VERY cheap to make. Much like your actions on homelessness, I am thinking!!
If none of those suit you we have done some more work on our other ideas from the original pitch:
- Stuart Hall. Cheekily delivers lectures on Britain, colonialism and race. No not that one (he’s in the commentary team).
- Mr Blue Sky – based on Jasper Carrott’s dog, an old English sheepdog – comedy ensues when his hair flops over his eyes!!!
- Mom: she’s just your mum but spelt phonetically. Not your mum, everyone’s mum
- B-ear: it’s like “be here” and “B” for Birmingham but also it represents Warwickshire’s heraldic symbol. The mascot design is incredibly gay but we won’t mention it.
- B-anal: it’s a canal themed mascot but we tried to make it more Birmingham-y. It’s a woman eating salad al fresco from a plate shaped like a barge.
- Mix-it: she’s a mixed use mascot. By day she’s serious and likes to work on the business side of the games. At night she comes alive and likes to party on Broad Street with her friends. In the morning she sends herself a noise abatement order. Was previously a bingo hall, and prior to that a cinema but there was an accident which led to the burns you see on her today.
- London & Manchester: these cool kids seem a little disinterested in things, but they’re brought out into the middle of the Alexander Stadium every day and the crowds have to plead with them for approval before the events can start.
- Ma(i)d(e)in: it’s hard to get a lot of ideas into one thing but here we have combined Birmingham’s industrial heritage, the architect John Madin and a reference to Warwickshire Cricket Club—plus brilliant Birmingham women! Ma(i)d(e)in will spend the games educating young women about all the great things made in the workshop of the world and will also teach them how to bowl a perfect over of spin bowling. At the end of the games everything Ma(i)d(e)in created will be destroyed and replaced with flats.
As a backup, I think we can get Spit The Dog or Rosie and Jim quite cheap.
And remember that any of these ideas can be realised in your own political colours for an extra bit of brand synergy, around that election! Apart from Ham, I don’t think green meat will work, but try it and you may like it, I say.
Let me know your decision,