Lots of fat white men in suits are in a marquee. They are all wearing sashes with the names of local councils on them. Outside the tent is a sign hammered into the ground with ‘West Midlands Combinded Authority’ on it. ‘Greater Birmingham’ has been crossed out.
George Osborne is urinating on the buffet.
The caption: ‘Better inside the tent.’
A man in a suit has a tea tray with one cup of tea in a cup and saucer. He’s bringing it to another man in a suit who sits at a desk, the desk has a ‘Leader of Birmingham City Council’ plaque on it.
The man at the desk is reading a paper. The headline reads, ‘HSBC to move headquarters to Birmingham’.
Standing man says, “OK so they won’t pay us any business rates, but maybe they’ll tell us how to hide our money from Eric Pickles.”
Matt nails it again.
A cabinet meeting in the Council House – there’s a sign above the desk that tells us this. The table is filled with nondescript aging men in suits.
We are looking over one man’s shoulder at a clipboard with a list on it in a suitable handwriting font.
The list is headed ‘Library Partnership/Begging Shortlist’ and says:
British Library – they don’t know who we are (crossed out)
Genting – already have NEC Arena (crossed out)
Central Library – turns out we had it knocked down (crossed out)
Wickes – Plus point:: ladders? (this is also underlined in red pen)
Doug Ellis – he does like his name on things
Malala – you get about a million for the Nobel prize (may have spent on sweets)
Davenports – closed?
Cockburn’s – ??
The caption reads ‘Any port in a storm’.
A very wide fish-eye lens ‘shot’ of Centenary Square and Chamberlain Square – this is a big New Year double page spread, ‘a year in Kerslake review’ if you will, a bonus for all fans of our satirical cartoons.
Outside the new library there is a group of people protesting with ‘Save the Library’ placards, they are chanting ‘No to the cuts’. Malala Yousafzai is holding her Nobel prize, which has her name and what it is on the plaque, and leading the protest.
A fat man who may be Eric Pickles (wearing a badge that announces who he is, and carrying a big pair of scissors labeled ‘cuts’) is hiding in a Trojan wheelie bin, and being pushed inside the council house by someone with a Ukip rosette. They both wear flat caps with razor blades in.
Outside the old library there is a group of people protesting with ‘Save the Library’ placards. A man swings a wrecking ball. He has a bunch of papers sticking out of his pocket – they say ‘Kerslake Review: Council are crap’ on them.
One man with a box brownie camera is trying to film everything, spinning around. He has a tabard that identifies him as working for City TV. Another man in a hat that says ‘Press’ is not watching anything but is taking notes with a pencil on a pad, while reading Paradise Circus on a laptop.
A man in a suit stands in the centre of the cartoon, talking to another man in a suit. The one man has a ‘Leader of the Council’ badge, he says: “I haven’t seen so many people since the Police and Crime Commissioner election.”
The caption reads: “Forward.”
A man in a suit with a badge on that says ‘Sir Albert Bore, Leader of the Council’ is at the enquiries desk of the Library of Birmingham – you can tell that because of the sign.
Further behind the counter are empty shelves, marked ‘Sports And Lesiure’, ‘Accoutancy’, ‘Children’s Services’ and so on.
A fat bloke – Eric Pickles – is in the background with a wheelbarrow of books and cash and football and food.
Sir Albert asks the librarian, “have you any books on standing up to the Tory government?”
The caption reads “Shhhh.”
New Street, November.
There is a parade of naff wooden huts filled with tat. The scene is illuminated by gaudy, bright, coloured bulbs. A man in a suit is eating a hotdog, next to him a guy who looks like a bad Dave Grohl impersonator is furiously taking notes.
In the foreground, a family done up against the cold: the woman says “I thought they’d shut the winter wonderland down” and the man says “Well they should — it really is crap”.
Their two children are crying.
Interior of a council house meeting room, with wood paneling and a framed portrait of Neville Chamberlain doing his Munich paper waving dance. In the room is a big meeting table: one side are three men, we don’t really know who they are but luckily their name plates give us a clue.
L to R: Albert Bore, Labour, Council Leader: he has a rosette.
Bob Kerslake, Chairman.
Thomas Shelby, Local Businessman: he wears turn of the last century dress including a smart looking flat cap.
Kerslake is speaking to the assembled reporters (ie one man in a hat with ‘Press’ on it.
“The conclusion of the review is that we should leave things just as they are, but with a greater role for business in governing Birmingham.”
The cartoon is captioned: A local tradition upheld.
A group of people in suits, scabs on their faces, dishevelled, walk stiffly across Centenary Square with the new library in the background. They all look blank faced and stumble in the same direction towards the ICC.
Sitting on the walls around the hall of memory are some young people, in tracksuits and with skateboards. On the floor near them are two newspapers (as the council have stopped clearing rubbish recently or something) – one paper has the headline ‘Tory Conference in Brum’, the other ‘Zombie Walk Today’.
One of the young skateboarders in saying, “Which one’s Boris?”.
In a park with a sign saying “Moseley Folk Festival”. One of those black-face Morris dancers from Kings Heath is talking to a security guard of African descent in a high-viz jacket with “security” on the back. The security guard is saying: “so you couldn’t find any actual black people at this festival then?”
You know how we describe these cartoons as we can’t draw? Well, we haven’t got a video camera either.
Howard Wilkinson, the Paradise Circus Director of Satire, is standing in the fountain in Victoria Square near the ‘Aphrodite at the water hole’ statue. He’s wearing some clothes that he doesn’t mind getting wet. Cat Deely has said he’s got to do this.
Someone chucks a bucket of cold water on him. But he still gives money to charity.
He nominates Shefali, David Harewood, and Chipper the dog.
