Yeah I’ve been here a while. And now I’ve got kids: brummie kids. And so I guess that makes me a brummie dad.
I was so proud the first time my eldest counted to FOIVE. Just the other day I took the kids to Sutton Park and they wanted a game of HOIDE and seek.
But it’s not all fun being a brummie dad. The other night I was reading the boys a bedtime story. It was an old favourite by Dr Seuss, but it came out all wrong:
I am Sam
…Birmingham
That Sam-I-am
From Birmingham!
I do not like
that Sam-I-am.
Do you like
food artisan?
I do not like it,
Sam-I-am.
I do not like
food artisan.
Would you like it
Here or there?
I would not like it
here or there.
I would not like it
anywhere.
I do not like
food artisan.
I do not like it,
Sam-I-am
Would you like it
on a slate?
Would you like it
from a grate?
I do not like it
on a slate.
I do not like it
from a grate.
I do not like it
here or there.
I do not like it
anywhere.
I do not like food artisan.
Not anywhere in Birmingham.
Would you eat it
from a box?
Would you eat it
off some rocks?
Not from a box.
Not off some rocks.
Not off a slate.
Not from a grate.
I would not eat it here or there.
I would not eat it anywhere.
I would not eat food artisan —
I’d just like some deep fried spam.
Would you? Could you?
with some foam?
Eat it! Eat it!
Take it home!
I would not,
could not,
with some foam.
You may like it.
You will see.
You may like it
artisanally.
I do not like food from a box.
I do not like food off of rocks.
I do not like food on a slate
I do not like food from a grate
I do not like food here or there.
I don’t like street food anywhere.
I do not like food artisan.
I do not like it, Sam-I-am.
Say!
In Digbeth?
Here in Digbeth!
Would you, could you, in Digbeth?
I would not, could not,
in Digbeth.
Would you, could you,
on the street?
I would not, could not, on the street.
I want to sit down and rest my feet.
No food in foam, shaved parmesan.
I do not like it, Sam-I-am.
Not off a slate. Not from a box.
Not from a grate. Not off some rocks.
I’ll not eat street food here or there.
I do not like it anywhere!
You do not like
food artisan?
I do not
like it,
Sam-I-am.
Could you, would you,
on brioche?
I would not,
could not.
on brioche!
Would you eat a street food dosa?
I’d rather eat chips sat on my sofa!
No burgers stuffed inside a doughnut
By a guy with a stupid haircut
And no to peas in a recycled tin can
As a side to fish served in a chip pan
I do not like food artisan
I do not like it Sam I am.
I do not like it from a box.
I do not like it from some rocks.
I will not eat it off a slate.
I will not eat it from a grate.
I do not like it here or there.
I do not like it ANYWHERE!
Not from a pan! Not in a mug!
Not with a foam! … FUCK OFF!
I do not like food artisan
I do not like it, Birmingham.
Recorded live at Paradise Circus Live, watch out for more events later this year.
